Reading textbooks obviously teaches us about such subjects, but rarely do they inform us of what it is like to have a disorder like this. Here is this post are 4 poems which enable the reader to understand and have a glimpse at what it is like to be the mind of someone with an Eating Disorder.
These poems have never been published anywhere before, but I have full permission to use them here. Comments are encouraged.
That “Other Person” You are my enemy
Can you not see?
The one who drags me down
And makes me wear a chain gown
Throughout the day and all the night
The chains wrap tighter as I bite
Times of release are a teasing trick
So I starve and I am sick
Then another person takes control
And I eat myself into a hole
Where it’s deep, dark and damp
The toilet, the laxatives are the lamp
Now I’m the one back in control As vomit, tears and blood fill the hole
Or is the vomit my tears…?
That “other person” is punished and in fear
The one that ate and ate and ate
To undo it you killed the one you hate…
But there is no other person.
It is all and only you.
Why do you hate yourself so much to abuse yourself?Pain will teach me! Flushed cheeks and watering eyes
What are you scared of? It’s not your weight!
What do you so desperately crave in life that makes you want to eat the world?
Why do I hate myself to make me abuse myself?
What scares me? It’s not my weight!
What do I so desperately crave in life that makes me want to eat the world?
Gently glare from the bathroom mirror
And fall upon the cold metal blade
That’s scraping across, so the appetite dies
Recalling the biscuits and cakes
And exactly how they were eaten
One after the other, one after the
Other, and now my stomach aches
Calories pulsing in my mind
How I wished, when gagging for my life
That I could take my hand with long nails
Gauge out my stomach, rip it open
And chuck the contents down the toilet
Bloody and broken, I’d stitch myself
Together again, with acceptance?
Lay there and smile at the release
And the accomplishment, and freedom
And knowing you are capable
And then to lay down and sleep, sleep, sleep
But, to awake and realise you’re numb
This fantasy did not happenI’ll learn not to repeat the mistake
Little contents was chucked down the toilet
Calories did not decrease, enough
So now purifying pain is gashed
As pale cheeks and dry eyes
Gently glare from the bathroom mirror
Watching their dream become clearer Life and Soul of Mia You can smell what you would like
You can see what you desire
You touch what you crave
And then you taste what you need You are hungry
So you need it
To sustain life
No! You need something
Hunger ,your natural need This is temptation
Who will deprave you
That wears the face of a snake
And laughs by the Arras lake
While filling your senses with wants
Snake sings as you daydream
So you fall and let hunger feed you
Not the malicious snake that leads to greed
But the temptation tastes so sweet
It embraces and consumes you
And completes you
To fulfil your own humanity
But you finish, leave and feel guilty
To feel wrong, to feel regretful, to feel dirty
So you try and undo your sins
To put them right; not justify
And confront certain people dutifully
Hope and pray for forgiveness and acceptance
But, it is all you.
And you do not believe in the snake
Or the sins the toffee apple represents
Or in praying to any almighty figure
So you purge your guilt, wrongs and regrets
And embrace temptation to retain humanity We watch our backs for karma and entertain destiny
For in death, we are all, beautifully equal. Why won’t anything work in this fog? Why won’t anything work?
Because I’m so useless?
So pitifully helpless?
Yes, I am sure it is Just the one, one thing
Now it’s too inconsistent
To say that it actually works
Although peace it will bring Several “things” have been tried
Inconsistent; so at a loss
While actions reflect the mood- cross
In this fog, feeling lost Especially when invisible stabs
Of panic? Guilt? Guilt? Panic?
Stab, the heart races, you feel sick
And as heavy as a brick